facade
by uzumakixhinata
Summary: a love that is never meant to be.yulsic fanfic, yuri and jessica.snsd


I'm gripping at the edge of a knife holding unto you. It cuts me with a wound that is seeping my life away- slowly, painfully.

But then, if I let go, will I be released from the pain?

Or will I fall down into the abyss of greater despair and pain?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

-Facade -

I'm breaking down, piece by piece, like a fragile crystal being shattered into shards of nothingness.

I stand there at the front door, smiling as if it doesn't matter to me. That it is okay for me.

You can't see that I am desperately bleeding inside, can you?

I wave at you—you wave back at me and smile. That should have made me happy, but it doesn't. It only worsens the pain that is consuming the whole of my being.

Why cannot you smile at me like the way you smile at him?

He opens the door of the car for you; you slip inside, the golden silhouette of your hair disappearing like a sun setting beneath the darkness of the ocean. Again, he gently closes the door —being a gentleman that he is- it's one of the reasons why you fell for him isn't it?

If only you'll let me, I can do better than him. Why can't you give me the chance?

He walks around the car but pauses as he holds the handle of the door. He turns to me and smiles- I force myself to do the same. He is a man who is worthy of your love, but why?

Why can't I find myself to believe it? To accept it?

He slides inside his car, together with you - now both locked in your own world. Even if I try to suppress it, there's a voice inside of me that rings out loud- wishing that it is me who is with you right now instead of him.

Am I asking too much?

I stand there for another few moment, staring at the fading back of his car under the faint light of the night sky. My heart throbs again in pain- dull and void. It seems like he's taking you away, never to return to me, but I know you will. You always do, don't you?

Pathetic it is, but it's the only thing that I can hold on to.

Your heart belongs to him…but you belong to me.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Yuri, let's watch this movie. I got this from Taeyeon."

You tell me one day as you burst into my room with that smile of yours. Should be I happy that he's not here? That I will not be able to see the difference your smile shows- for him and for me?

"Why don't you watch it with him? I'm quite busy."

You pout at what I say. Have I already told you that you look more beautiful when you do that? I wonder how it feels to touch your lips with mine. Afterall, I only get to kiss you on your cheeks, on your nose, on your forehead but never on your lips.

"I want to watch it with you. "

Unknown to you, time stops right at that instant for me. To you, those words may mean nothing—that it is just a simple thing like a crumpled paper lying on my table- but to me, it means a world.

If only you can say that in front of him.

But you can't, can you?

Even if it is so, it's already enough for me.

" Fine. You go ahead outside. Just give me a minute to fix things up. "

"You're no fun. Just leave it there."

As expected, you hold my hand –and pull me up. I look down to you—doesn't it awe you at all? His height isn't much of a difference with mine.

You say you like him for it, don't you?

"I'm only asking for a minute."

I pucker my eyebrows and you giggle. My stomach lurches from the tingling sound, it feels good.

"Yah Yuri, you know I hate it when you do aegyo."

You say as you pull me with you. Our hands fit together perfectly well, don't you think? It's as if they are molded for each other. I wish you think the same way as I do.

Another pathetic thought isn't it?

You only think of that when he is the one who holds your hand. Your grip tells it all.

"I'm not doing any aegyo. Why are you always insisting on that?"

I counter —the frown never leaves my face. It's all an act you see? I just want to make you smile-even if it pains me.

You look back at me, with that smile that can make my heart leap blissfully and yet can tore it into tiny bits of pieces. But it's what I want to see from you, isn't it?

"What should I think when you gets unbelievably cute when you do that?"

I try to repress a smile from making its way to lips but I'm a hairbreadth late. Why do I want to hide it from you anyway? I should let you see how you can affect me so easily by just hearing those simple words that comes out from you.

It's dangerous—that much I know, but you won't read my gesture as it really is, will you?

"I'm just cute. That's all. "

"I'm cuter than you."

You stick your tongue out at me. I shudder inwardly. Do you know what I'm thinking right now? You'll be horrified to know what it is. I even feel ashamed at myself for it. I feel disgusted. I respect you a lot; I should have never let these thoughts surface in my mind. But then, do I really hold that respect for you? If I do- why is it that I have this sickening desire for you?

You lead me to the sofa outside the living room. No one is home except for us, isn't it? We are by ourselves, all alone together. I have wished for it, haven't I?

But why is it that I can't bring myself to be happy, contented? Is it because I long for something more? Something else?

Is it because, for all our life, nothing has changed at all?

We are always by ourselves even when are still oblivious of the world around us, aren't we? All that matters to us is each other, that is, until he arrives in your life. In our life.

I sit down while you put the disk in the dvd player. Soon, the tv screen starts to glow with light and you sit beside me. You lean your head on my shoulder as the movie unfolds right in front of our eyes, but then, it doesn't surprise me at all. Why should I? It's already been a habit of you, isn't it?

"That boy is stupid. If he really loves the girl, he should have just told her. "  
>You murmured softly, as if you are only talking to yourself.<p>

But I hear it, loud and clear.

You don't know, do you? Can't you see the pain that he's going through because of it? He's not stupid. He only knows his limitations. He will not take any risks that will eternally break the only thing that binds him to her. But then, is there any risk at all? A risk means that there is still some hope however small it is but look at them, is there any hope at all? He's hopeless. I'm hopeless.

Hopeless but still hoping, even if it's in vain.

I don't say anything. I choose to keep my mouth shut. There's nothing for me to say after all.

How long has it been since the movie started? I don't know. What I do know is that I can hear the small even breaths that are coming out your lips. You fall asleep again, don't you?

I would have loved to hear your reaction at the scene taking over at the wide screen but I won't wake you up (you hate it, I know.)

What will you think of the guy now? He walks the girl that he loves to the altar. There's a wedding, you miss it badly. You may not call him stupid anymore right? But then, I highly doubt it. He walks the girl to the altar…just to give her hand to another man. A tragic end to his love, isn't it?

He's smiling while he does it, but I know, he's tearing apart inside. I wonder when he's going to run away from the church and cry his self out. He's quite strong to be able to endure all of that, isn't he?

Will I be able to do same too when the time comes for you to walk the bridal aisle to tie your forever with him?

If you'll ask me now, I still don't know the answer to that.

Liar, am I not?

Deep down inside, I already know. I'm not as strong as him for I will easily crumble in sheer misery. But if it's what will make you happy, I'll be a hypocrite and put on a masked smile. Just don't make it any sooner, will you? I'm not ready yet.

Nor ever.

Like a feather's touch, I gently ran my fingers on the metallic frame that sealed that one blissful moment of our lives. It is one of the fondest memories that have been engraved in my mind, in my heart. It has been a long time since then. Do you even remember how that happened to be? You don't, do you?

"Yuri, let's take a picture together."

I pause from reading a book and stare at you. Your face is written with unsuppressed eagerness as you hold a camera in one hand. How can I say no to that?

I put the book aside and I am about to take off my eyeglass when you stop my hand.

"No, no. Don't take it off. I'll be wearing an eyeglass too. It's pretty cool." You said as you take something from behind you. You grin as you position it in your eyes. Right at that moment, you are the most gorgeous nerd I have ever laid eyes on.

You plop yourself down beside me as you raise the camera above our heads, a few inches away from us.

"We'll wink together at my count of 3. And don't forget to smile. "

My hear throbs with uneven rhythm as you put your arms around my shoulder and move closer to me.

"1…"

I hitch my breath. What am I supposed to do?

" 2.."

Wink? What eye to wink? Left or right? Am I supposed to smile too? What kind of smile? Timid or wide? Do I have to show my teeth?

"3!"

Seconds after, a picture slips out of the camera. I get anxious as you stare at it with a raise brow. I fail, don't I? I don't even know what I did, if I smile with a tight lip or with bare teeth. Did I even wink when you say the number three?

"Yuri! This is perfect!" You suddenly shout as your expression break into the widest smile I can remember from you. You act like it is the greatest thing that has ever happened to you.

You give me the picture and I stay still.

It really is perfect. I did wink after all. And we both wink at the same time, don't we?

Even the smiles that formed on our lips are synchronized together. Perfect, we are perfect, just the two of us.

And I thought we'll continue to be like that-forever.

I am being pathetic again, am I not?

I know you will disagree with me. You will reason out that we're still the same as we used to be. But then, have you forgotten that there's already him who's in the picture with us, getting in between us?

You haven't, have you?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"She fell asleep on the car."

He says as I put your other arm around my shoulder, helping him take you to your room.

I chuckle softly. The typical you, isn't it?

"Why didn't you just let her sleep in your house Oppa? You don't have to drive all way back here."

He hesitated for a moment before he answered.

"I told her that but she didn't want to. "

"Oh…"

I manage to utter in a low voice. Will you condemn me if I say that I feel a guilt of pleasure from what I hear? That there's a voice inside of me that shouts in victory of winning you over him?

I'm despicable, am I not?

Silence ensues between us as we made our way to your room. Unwillingly, I take your hands off my shoulder and open the door. I turn on the lights and he gets you inside. He puts you to bed and gently raises the cover up to your shoulder while I just stand on the door watching him.

I want to be the one to do it but he has more rights than me, hasn't he?

This time, he wins you over me.

I force myself not to close my eyes as he leans close to you and gives you a short kiss on your lips. I tremble at the sight, it weakens my knees. But I have to be strong, he should not take notice that I'm breaking with his intimacy to you.

He strokes your cheeks, lingering for a few seconds, before he stands on his full height again. He switches the lamp on the bedside table and walks towards the door where I am standing. He gives you one last glance, as I do, before I flick the lights off and close the door.

"Oppa, thanks for bringing Sica home even at this late hour of night."

"You should not thank me. I'll always do anything for her."

He says as he looks up to me through the open window of his car. He's a fine man, he really is. He's everything a woman like you can ever wish for right? And for that, I can't help but feel these betraying emotions within me. Hatred and Envy. Too childish, isn't it?

"Take care of yourself Oppa."

I mumble, not knowing what to say at all.

He stares at me, not the usual stare that he always gives me,that it unnerves every fiber in my body. His eyes, there's something in - pathetic. Why am I thinking such things?

"Take care of yourself too. Get inside now, you might catch a cold. Your sister won't like it."

I nodded my head as he smiles at me before he drives off his car into the horizon of the long road.

He's right.

You are my sister. I am your sister.

I should have never fallen in love with you.


End file.
